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Saturday, March 18, 2006
~ 5:09 PM ~
Life is...
The last few days have been tough for me spiritually and mentally.
On Tuesday evening, I was in my friend's car at the hostel calling someone. While calling, I saw one of my friends walked out of the hostel. He is a Japanese. I waved at him and nodded my head. I did not get out of the car to have a chat with him.
On Wednesday night, I received news that he has passed away. His body was found in his room on Wednesday morning. He committed suicide. Apparently, he suffered from depression. I also just found out that he had actually booked a flight back to Japan scheduled on Thursday. It is said that he felt too shameful to return home.
When i received news, I was appalled. I slept for 4 hours that night, cause I was blaming myself. My head was full of images, images on how i got to know him 4 weeks ago, images on how hard we tried to communicate with each other as his command of english was very weak, images on how i had cared for him while he was sick, images on how he talked to me about how he could not see the doctor due to certain Overseas Students Health Cover issues, images on how he laughed and played the games at the BBQ event which I organised in Feb.
I knew he was not adapting well to the new environment. But i didnt help much. I can say that i didnt help as much as i could have.
Then all the what if's came into my head. What if i had gotten out of the car on Tues evening and talked to him? Maybe things could have changed?
For the whole of Thursday, I was very distracted. I couldnt think properly as I was thrown into this whirlpool of thoughts. I kept thinking "why why why?" Things were not made better when i kept thinking that i was one of the last few who had contact with him practically hours before he died.
I prayed. I talked to my pastor on Thursday night and he counselled me. He prayed for me. I was healed. I felt much at peace with myself. It was not within my control. I may not have been able to change things as well. I forgave myself. I felt the peace that transcends all understanding...
I attended my japanese friend's memorial service today. It was a solemn affair. I could sense the gravity of the air. The smell of sadness was evident. I felt heavy too..I could feel the emotions well up in me...but I controlled it. There was no point in crying.
Many people turned up. Many cried. I was comforted to know that despite the communication barrier that he may have had with people, he has managed to touch the lives of others. He managed to walk into the lives of others. He was not unnoticed.
As part of the service, we were invited to go up to the front and light a candle. I lighted one and bowed to the parents, of which the mum was weeping uncontrollably, as a sign of respect and expression of condolences.
We all live a life which is fragile. You may not see the person whom you see today, tomorrow. I experienced this feeling and I can testify to you that it's not a nice feeling. Life is fragile...really fragile.
On a more serious note, we should also respect our lives. We do not just live our own lives. There are people whom we are accountable to. I witnessed how the parents grieved earlier on just now. They were heart broken. Many others weeped. Many were upset.
I think I shall just draw a close to this.
To this Japanese friend of mine,
"You are a gentle and sincere person. Thank you for walking into my life and thank you for giving me the opportunity to share part of my life with you. We will miss you."
