Long Journey

I have Shifted!

2009-05-04T20:44:00.003+10:00

THE END

After 4 years and 388 posts, I have decided to end this blog here.
New beginnings can be found at www.jaszz.wordpress.com

See you at my new page =)

Stars

2009-05-03T23:41:00.001+10:00

Stars

Another song which I like...it's quite old i think...but the vocals is excellent!

Weakness

2009-04-28T10:18:00.004+10:00

Weakness

It's very interesting at how the enemy keeps liking to attack your weakness....trying to pull me down; put discouraging thoughts in my mind; doubts in my head; stirring up emotions in my heart...

but hey manz...His grace is sufficient for me and when i am weak, then i will be strong!

one thing that i ask, this is what i seek, that I may dwell in Your house forever...nothing else will then matter...seriously...n o t h i n g. . .

And among of all the versions of This is Our God..i prefer Darlene Zscech's version...

OC pictures

2009-04-22T00:50:00.010+10:00

Oceania Convention @ Philip Island 2009

Flying Foxes

2009-04-21T09:51:00.002+10:00

Flying Foxes

I like this photo.....the flying foxes...hahahaha! obviously..this was BEFORE we took the flying fox =p

Mails

2009-04-09T00:43:00.002+10:00

Mails

So....my microsoft outlook has been giving me problems over the fortnight and I have given up on it..i downloaded Thunderbird as my latest email client....

it downloaded 14187 mails from year 2006 into my com and i began the task of sorting them into folders....

i came across a mail that said this...

"Stop telling GOd how big our storm is. Start telling the storm how big our GOd is"

Imperfect people, perfect relationships

2009-04-08T14:03:00.002+10:00

Beautiful imperfections, Perfect Relationships

Celebrate the beautiful imperfections that make a relationship perfect.....

《帶我走》

2009-04-08T09:51:00.002+10:00

《帶我走》 (Take Me Away)

I was just reminded of this song that I heard when I was back in Singapore in Jan... absolutely love this song.....

Amsterdam

2009-04-06T13:29:00.002+10:00

Amsterdam

Was looking at the pictures my colleagues took when they arrived in Amsterdam about 2 days ago...they are there for an Econometrics competition, representing monash....well...i should have been there too..but i kindly declined the invitation...

in my heart...i really wanted to go....but i wouldnt make it back in time to melb for something more important....

oh wells....goodbye Amsterdam...i shall not regret my decision....

Eye of the storm

2009-03-31T09:56:00.002+11:00

Eye of the Storm

I'm confident of this..that when a perfect storm is brewing, I'm safe in the eye of the storm =)

There's nothing He cannot do..

In the freedom of choices that we make, He is still in control...

I believe that!!!!

Numb

2009-03-31T00:08:00.002+11:00

Numb

hmmz...i dunno wat to say now, except that I'm feeling quite numb now...

i thought i should have felt a little hurt after all that I've put in...but oh wells, i decided right from the start that i shall give unconditionally...so it shouldnt matter if people dont feel it or understand it =)

and no, i'm not suicidal as Ivy puts it..AHAHAHAHAHA!

this is just my blog for me to rant and release my emo side....i'm still going strong... =)

When....

2009-03-28T22:37:00.003+11:00

When....

A hard truth I've been coping with lately is that I feel that I've already reached the end of the tunnel, with no where else i can go....And I wonder what more I can do...and i'm convinced that the answer is a simple 'nothing'....

so many more things i want to say and have said...but at the end of it all, does it really matter?

The only thing I can do now is to hope, to believe, to pray, to not waver, to not sway, to endure, to persevere, to rejoice, to be faithful, to love, to identify, to support, to unite, to be at peace, to support, to be strong, to be compassionate, to be kind, to be understanding....

I knew right from the start that I'm not supposed to carry the emotions...but gradually i've found myself entangled in a confusion of emotions, thoughts and restlessness....I want to let go...

It's time for me to stand again...just me...

Me

2009-03-23T16:05:00.003+11:00

Me
Sorry for a lack of a better title..but perhaps what i want to say is just about me, myself and I...^_^

not sure on how to describe myself now, but there's this sense of excitement, but there's also the sense of a damped excitement..confusing eh? There are things to be joyful about but yet there are things that are dampening this joy....

yesterday's afternoon meeting was very 'interesting'....whilst all of us at the meeting received quite harsh comments with grace, it really got me to think a lot about who i am and what i say and how others interpret me...cause face it...people judge us by our actions and not intentions....

but through yesterday's meeting, the thoughts that came to my mind is "it's just too hard to live like that..." and i did entertain thoughts such as how about calling it quits or just walking away from it and pretending that none of this ever happened....

i wonder how Apostle Paul ever managed to do it. Whilst i know that we can't please everybody, but yet Apostle Paul did manage to live a life that is upright, beyond reproach and with integrity. People came to him, not depart from him. and yet, sometimes, i just have a feeling/observation that people depart from me and not come to me because of what i say/do/am ....maybe i'm over-reacting...but if it's really the case...then it does scare me...at the same time, i'm fully aware that i cant control things/people as well, so i dont fret over it too much, though i confess sometimes i feel hurt...

but here's the thing...what about the rest? so often in our analysis, we deem the characters of the 'rest' to be 'ceteris paribus', i.e. to be constant. Whatever they say seems to be right. Whatever they feel seems to be justified...and therefore, the person that always needs changing is ourselves! How about the rest? Maybe if the 'rest' changed, then they can truly see who I am, or who we are.....which then means that it's not us who needs changing but the 'rest'....and yet, this mentality is so arrogant and prideful....beginning to see the conflict and difficulty of living a LIFE?

but i dont deny..i need transformation in my character too...=(

just ranting...need not try to understand what i say...if you're a econometrician/statistician, you should be able to understand the last para...^_^

erm..sorry

2009-03-20T10:47:00.002+11:00

Ermz..sorry

hey dudette....sorry for wat i said last nite....^_^
really meant it as a joke...so yea..dun take it personally okie?

Earthquakes

2009-03-19T15:40:00.002+11:00

Earthquakes

Ok..so the talk of the month is the 2 earthquakes that hit melbourne in 2 weeks...

well, for some reason, i felt NEITHER of the earthquakes when it happened...

when the earthquake struck at 4:28pm yest, i was in my room doing some work on my laptop and i felt nothing move or tremble..

rachel said tt my house is stable..

i just replied tt it was me who was stable....^_^

so, since Feb, victoria has had bushfires and earthquakes...wat next? tsunami?

Over

2009-03-07T17:01:00.002+11:00

It's Over

OK..so my phd confirmation presentation is finally over....it was scary...attendance was so much higher than i expected. I expected to be much less since the venue was so far away from the Menzie's building..it was in the Engineering building! still...7 associate professors/professors and 4 phd students came...stress...

though i couldnt answer like 90% of the questions asked after the presentation, some of the professors commented well for my presentation...phew! thank God...=)

and yeap, i passed my confirmation with flying colours, according to my supervisor..who got the report from the convenor ...so it's all good =) and my supervisors granted me half day leave on thurs and full day leave on fri...so happy...hahaha!

thanks calvin for buying me a PLanetshakers CD to celebrate my passing =) was really surprised..thanks bro =) so touched...hahahahaha!

and ivy/ian's engagement party has finally ended too....gosh...wasnt tt easy to plan...well, would have been much easier if i did not have my phd confirmation to work on then...but anyway, it's ALL WORTH IT...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! gosh...ian in make up, ivy being beast.....AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! lalalalalalalalalala =)

ok...now is the time to rest and recuperate...hmmz....if i didnt have a class to teach on monday..i think i would have taken another day off from work on monday...oh wells....time to earn cash....dun be lazy boy jason!

Blindness

2009-03-04T09:40:00.004+11:00

Blindness

Some people insist on having their own way, regardless of the counsel of the wiser, thinking that it's just between them. What they are blinded to see is how others are hurt and the repercussions that follow....

Then, when they hope that people will understand them, they will not receive it. when they hope that people will support them, they will not receive it. when they hope to receive people's blessings, they will not receive it..cause they started on the wrong footing...

Now, the others are left hurting and reeling from shock, disbelief and pain...having to find comfort, solace and healing, in one way or the other......

Can i just say that you should always heed the counsel of the wise...cause to what benefit is it to you to not heed??? It is all to your detriment if you insist on having your own way. but i guess it is when grace comes in when people have the free will do do what they want..

A reminder verse for me today:
Psalms 37: 8 "refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil"

now i need to try to focus on my presentation tml....

goodbye

2009-03-03T22:43:00.003+11:00

Goodbye

I'm amazed at how within one night..the respect that i have for someone for a few years..can dwindle to a miserable amount....if not, none....

somehow...friends around can no longer be friends to me...coz i dont think i can longer understand them nor identify or support them any longer...

i dunno why...i dunno wat's the way to respond...

maybe i shall just say, goodbye...

Phd Confirmation

2009-03-02T17:10:00.001+11:00

Phd Confirmation Presentation

ok...so my phd confirmation presentation is on this thurs....am currently working through the slides....

here's the front slide =)

looks cool eh??

Grace

2009-03-01T23:33:00.003+11:00

Grace

Sometimes i just dont get it why people shoot back at certain comments without considering whether they were actually graceful in their speech...i think there's a really fine line between being rude and trying to bring forth your say without putting down others....frankly speaking, i find this behaviour really really arrogant..and they get on my nerves....

digressing

people really dont like to hear the truth...and when they hear it, they retaliate, defend themself, justify themself....frankly speaking, if one responds like this, nothing much can be done....

to conclude..it's been a terrible week...but i have many things to be thankful for.

i hope this coming week will spell of good things...i'm sure...

Female Drivers

2009-02-27T09:26:00.001+11:00

Female Drivers

Absolute classic....hahahahahaha!

Michael ah Michael

2009-02-19T00:13:00.007+11:00

Michael ah Michael

michael recently shifted into his new place and has no internet connection yet..so he came to my place to use my com to check his emails while i had to go out...

when i came back...i was pleasantly surprised by my new wallpaper that michael designed ....

(Click on picture to enlarge)

It's gonna be there for a lllLLOnnnNNNGggGGG time....^_^

TGIF

2009-02-13T17:39:00.002+11:00

TGIF!!!!

Thank God It's FRIDAY!!! ok..finally reached the end of the week and i'm just so glad to have made it through....been working quite long hours this week..i actually worked till 7pm last night without me knowing cause the sky was still so bright even at 7! lol!

anywayz, i'm kinda satisfied with my progress this week..currently working on my phd confirmation report which i need to submit and present in about 3 weeks time before i can actually progress from a 'probationary' status to a 'full' status. just a formality..

been really stressful in writing the report..i submitted my first draft last week and i had to redo about 80% of it cause my supervisors wanted it to have more words and more flow and more in depth analysis...i still have one more section to write and that's the toughest part to write..shall leave that to next week...
been also reading journal articles....i've read about 6 articles in the past week...a major feat never ever accomplished in my academic career!

anywayz, digressing....i'm sure u all know of the bushfires in victoria, australia..it's really bad and from the news report...it's just beyond our imagination....they described it as a firestorm....fires were reported to travel at 130km/h...how do you outrun that? i think the scariest report was when i read about people trying to escape in their cars, but yet did not make it and were incinerated in their own cars....

and to end this week over here...melbourne has been hit by a haze...gosh...and i'm surprised that the news didnt report anything about the haze...
haze's really getting on my nerves actually...cant stand the smell and a small rash has developed on the lower part of my right cheek....arrghhhh!!!!

all in all...not too sure how to describe my week..but anywayz, i will be glad and rejoice in it =)

Cool and HOt

2009-02-08T17:30:00.003+11:00

Cool and Hot

Forgive my lack of originality for titling this post describing my past week...^_^

So, it has been slightly more than a week since i came back from singapore and perhaps i'm still adjusting to the change in lifestyle..haha! Very significantly, there's no more mummy's cooking T-T

and yea, i confessed that i did cry twice (without my parents knowing..^_^) before the day i left..hahaha! shhhhh!!!!

still trying to get into the groove of working again...also a little discouraged cause one of my frens told me that he was quitting phd on the day i arrived back in Melb! gosh...didnt see that coming....but other than that, i think i'm doing quite ok for my work...currently working on my phd confirmation which i'm due to present on the 5th March. I have to write a report which has to include what was, what is and what will be...obviously...it is the "what will be" which is difficult to write cause it has yet to happen....AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
on top of that, i need to read lots of journal articles to be able to write a review of the relevant literature related to my phd....read 3 articles on thurs and fri..an amazing achievement..ahahahahaha!

anywayz, summer last week has been cool and hot....shall not talk about the cool...it's just cool..it was the hot that was testing...
it hit 46 degrees yesterday, well, at least that was what i heard...^_^ so here's what i did yesterday
(i) Had a meeting in AIR CONDITIONED rooms from 9am to 3pm
(ii) Went to Chew's AIR CONDITIONED house for chilling out
(iii) Went to Glen for movie with michael, rachel, shaun and derek at 4pm till about 610pm. Cinema was crowded with people like us trying to avoid the peak of the heat in the air conditioned theatres =)

And when i came out of the movie at 610...it was back to cool!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!! the temperature had dropped to the mid 20s..it was such a cool relief....but i'm blessed to have been out of the hot scorching weather for most of the times yesterday. I think i was only exposed to the heat for about an hour in total..and during those times, it was really unbearable. the wind was hot, skin was hurting and breathing can sometimes be difficult too....

so what did the news say? well..it was the worst day in Victoria history...and 65 people have been confirmed dead from yesterday's bush fire...even the state premier, john brumby broke down during a press conference....yea..things are really grim...

Reluctance

2009-01-28T04:45:00.002+11:00

Reluctance

One more day to melb and I m actually very reluctant to go back... Frankly speaking, I feel kinda emo now, feel like crying...
I m so gonna miss my mum & dad=( I have had such a great time with them and I just can't believe it's all coming to an end soon... Gosh! One month!!!!
I guess I shall not say more.... Can the time please really slow down so that I can absorb all these in...

My brother is going back to kl layer today, and I m leaving tomorrow... I guess my mum will be really sad ... One thing my mum said yesterday which really hit me was that our family could finally have a cny dinner together after so many years. She added that for once, she need not be envious of other families... She said it jokingly but I know that deep down, she is really glad to have both sons by her side =)

I will miss u

Frags

2009-01-22T01:59:00.001+11:00

Frags

AFter almost one month..i decided to play counter-strike on my computer again, as preparation for the upcoming LAN parties when i go back melb..^_^

played the iceworld map, i played against the bots..2 vs 1...i set the level of difficulty as hard..and i was amazed..the bots are so noob...i fragged them 32 times and i only got fragged twice....was wondering whether the bots level of difficulty was set correctly...i think it was..i first put it as normal..then found it too easy..then changed it to hard..then was still quite easy for me to frag them...oh wells....i think i'm still bad at the game

pang wu said tt ian has improved...or rather..ian has gotten back his form..AHAHAHAHAHAA! either way..not good news for me..AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!! melburnians, come back quickly...next LAN party on the way..hahahahahaha!

digressing...

so we got a new US president...sounds optimistic..i stayed up late just to hear his inauguration speech and i must say though it wasnt the kind of 'kennedy' speech i was expecting, still, i must say that i came away impressed with his inclusive speech.. =)

hoping that we have a new hope in the world =)

Fawny Fawn Fawn

2009-01-19T03:08:00.002+11:00

Fawny fawn fawn

This is what happens to fawny fawn fawn (arise,shine) when she doesnt read the bible well enough...^_^

JasZz says:
U HAVE SINNED!!!

JasZz says:
u know y...

JasZz"" says:
AHAHAHAHAHHA

arise, shine. says:
because i never bake muffins!

JasZz"" says:
-_-

Best part...later on, she asks

arise, shine. says:
hur hur

arise, shine. says:
so why have i sinned?

Coloured Hair

2009-01-17T01:10:00.006+11:00

Coloured Hair

ok..to those who are very curious to know what my hair colour is now..here's some photos for you to see...i didnt bother taking a front picture of myself cause you wun be able to see the colour....these photos are very close up shots of my hair..

and this was when i still had black hair...

Time does not spare you

2009-01-16T01:00:00.002+11:00

This holidays...

I remembered telling myself that i have a month of holiday to enjoy when i came back at the end of last month...given that i took a month of leave from my phd, i thought i would have some time to catch up on my work...

looking at things now...i miscalculated...i'm going back to melbourne in 14 days time and if i exclude the Chinese new year eve and the days that follow, i actually only have 8 days left....

there are still people i want to meet, goals to set, work to do and time to play...but i'm glad that i managed to spend time with my parents =) not going to trade anything for that..

somehow i feel that i've changed...nope, not talking about the physical aspect of me having a new pair of specs, perhaps a heavier body and a different hair colour, but i feel different about myself...my thoughts, my attitudes, my beliefs...they seem to be changing...i dunno if it's good or bad....

i think i have a lot of questions in my mind...questions that i ask myself and to which i have answers that seem to surprise me....

there are things that i look at and just exclaim "How can that happen?!"

i need to take a good look at people..i need to take a good look at myself....and i sometimes have a feeling, perhaps one day, i may just lose trust in people....but i know who my trust is in.. =)

Memory Lane

2009-01-13T01:34:00.002+11:00

Memory Lane

ok, just came back from KL today...and it was an awesome trip! was only there for a very short 3 days, but i must say that at least i spent all the time there to the full!

managed to meet quite a no. of people from melb, and also my ex-monash coursemates...some of whom i've never seen for about 3 years..hahaha! that meeting ended very abruptly..as we were talking at Asia Cafe in SS15, one person saw the police booking cars for illegal parking..and almost half the group left cause they had to move their cars away...lol! typical malaysians!

so my trip to kL was mainly to eat lots of missed malaysian food and to visit frens. a pity that i didnt manage to meet up with all that i wanted to, but at least i managed to meet some...i'm only human..^_^

this trip to KL was really a memory lane for me as well...i lived in there from 2004 to 2005 before coming to melb...and a lot has changed in KL...be it for better (expansions of shopping centres) or for worse (traffic jams and parking fees)....hahaha! as jon or jane or my brother drove me around, i would be brought back to those years when i myself was driving along those roads, going to places for appointments and yum chas....the language, the people, the food...all appeared so familiar to me =) more familiar than the food and places here in singapore....
for some reason, i have more emotional attachment to KL than to singapore...

this trip also gave me a lot of personal time (well...like after 1am alone in the room) to just reflect and plan for 2009...to spend time with myself, reflect and ponder about certain things and just withdraw myself from the pace of life, situations of life...just in my own world =)

anyway, just wanna shout out a big thank you to Calvin, Jon and Jane! You know why....hahahahahha!

oh wells...gonna start work soon again...well..working from singapore lar..not back in melb yet....17 more days to melb...

Hospital and Museum

2009-01-07T02:40:00.002+11:00

Hospital and Museum

For some reason, i was reminded of this quote:

"The church is a hospital of sinners, not a museum of saints"

nice thought eh?

anyway, digressing....i was surfing my supervisors webpage and i saw my name on it..hahahha! well, she just wrote that we were working on a paper together...
if you're interested to read what it is, here's the link:
http://www-personal.buseco.monash.edu.au/~gmartin/

Scroll down to the section "Papers Under Revision, Submission or in Progress" and the last line of that section.

btw..the picture is outdated. i think my supervisor looks so much better now than wat you see in the picture..she had a major hair-do..^_^

singapore

2008-12-31T20:12:00.003+11:00

In Singapore

Been back in singapore for about 3 days now and i can only say..i feel very foreign in this country..hahaha!

I'm not used to the weather
I'm not used to speaking in chinese when i want to enquire some things before making a purchase
I'm not used to the roads being so narrow here
I'm not used to the telephone numbers! I couldnt even recognise a landline number when celine called me!!! ^_^
I'm not used to the faces on the television news
I'm not used to people speaking Hokkien everywhere
I'm not used to seeing construction almost everywhere i go
I'm not used to TAKING PUBLIC TRANSPORT!!!!!! ^_^

contrary to popular belief...i've not been on an eating fiesta ..^_^ but i did have chilli crab last nite...it was FANTABULOUS!!!! GOSH!!! I liked it so much!!!

on the bad side....my eczima is back...in less than 12 hours from when i touched down....this time...it's worse....it's not just on my elbows..it's on my knees, legs and toes....

just praying that it doesnt itch too much..coz i've scratched some of the rashes on my elbow till it bled...^_^

wokies... new year;s eve today..doesnt feel like it...staying home tonite...just wanna be with my parents...been a long time since i celebrated new year with them =)

gosh

2008-12-27T16:53:00.002+11:00

Gosh!

Gosh! It's been almost 2 weeks since i had my last entry..haha! time passed by so quickly...

my last day of work was on the 19th and have been enjoying my holidays! ahh..what nice holidays! haha!

just started packing and gosh (again..^_^), i have so much stuff! haha! as in, i need to donate some clothes to salvation army since some are old or some are *ahem ahem*..a little too small for comfort...^_^

started cleaning up my wardrobe as well..and my desk....been collecting so much stuff without keeping them properly..my table looks more spacious now...^_^

anyway...2 more days to singapore! 11 more days to KL!

ta

i'm really looking forward to going home...i miss my parents so so so much....

Relief!!

2008-12-16T10:57:00.003+11:00

Relief!!!

Finally, i can heave a HUGE sigh of relief =)

I just had my meeting with a professor from Princeton University regarding my PhD work, thanks to my supervisor who arranged for the meeting (at quite a VERY last minute notice...i only had one day to prepare)

Prior to that, i was having cold feet and stomachache cause i was so nervous. His CV is IMPRESSIVE! Basically, he's kind of a big shot and a big name =) I spent the whole day yesterday preparing all my work, going through what i want to say to him, what questions to ask and how i would do the overall presentation of my phd work thus far...

i had a 30 min slot with him this morning at 10am. i only took 12 mins. i thought i did a bad job...

i had a chat with my supervisor just now..and she said that the professor was 'very impressed'. He commented that i was well prepared and had prepared the documents (which i hurriedly updated yesterday) in detail and that i knew my work. Overall, he said that i am an excellent student =)

well, i sensed a greater sigh of relief than a sense of pride/achievement. i'm just glad that it's over...

to end it all, my supervisor commented "1st step in your career!"

Bush Shoe

2008-12-16T00:08:00.003+11:00

Bush Shoe

So the big news today was that in Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at George Bush...if you havent read the news, here's a youtube video for you to view.

So here i am talking to benny ben ben over msn about it..and here's what he wrote...

k u k u m i n g ™ you're dressed to kill, i'm calling you out says:
yeah
k u k u m i n g ™ you're dressed to kill, i'm calling you out says:
cuz the guy shouted b4 throwing
k u k u m i n g ™ you're dressed to kill, i'm calling you out says:
noob
k u k u m i n g ™ you're dressed to kill, i'm calling you out says:
he shd have used stealth tactics
k u k u m i n g ™ you're dressed to kill, i'm calling you out says:
sure 1 hit KO

typical singaporean guy who went thru army....^_^

Sat afternoon

2008-12-13T14:37:00.002+11:00

Sat afternoon

I wonder when was the last time where i was actually home on a Sat afternoon..hahaha! yes..today, right now, i'm actually home on a sat afternoon!!! woo hooo!

well, i had a 3 hour seminar this morning at some faraway place about Mentoring and it's pretty insightful...as usual, challenge is how to apply it..

anyway, plan for the next 4 hours...sleep, reply some important emails..grocery shopping

nice...just laze around..hahaha!

i may contemplate mopping the floor later ^_^

Farewell

2008-12-12T16:10:00.004+11:00

Farewell

I thought i would blog about my bday celebration that i had 2 days ago...but seriously, i'm not in the mood to talk about it....no, please dont get me wrong. I had an AWESOME time at my celebration and thanks to all who came to the party. I really had a fun time with all of you and thanks for making it memorable =) the words that you guys shared with me were really meaningful for me too!

however, i'm just feeling a little down now cause a good friend of ours has gone back to Malaysia for good...=( Steven Thai has finally gone back....

for some reason, Steven reminds me of Jeffrey and the both of them have some striking similarities in terms of their personalities....

i brought steven out for lunch at Crowns on my bday and we had such a good time catching up with one another...we never talked so much before...and before we knew it, 3.5 hours passed and we needed to head back home....
i found out more about his family, more of his struggles, more of his plans, more about what and how he thinks, his burdens, his wishes, his hopes and so much more... never thought he had so much on his mind too...

last night, at 1130pm, after a late dinner with Ivy, Ian, Rachel and Joab (well, i left early..sorry ivy..), i brought steven, pang wu and wan ru to Mordialloc Beach...it was a full moon night....and gosh...it was fantastic...for the 3 of them, it was their first experience being at the beach at night...and we all liked it...

all of us were refreshed and just so much thoughts and reflections went through our minds...we didnt really say much, but just enjoyed the companion of each other, the sea, clouds and moon...

we left the beach at 130am and headed home....

farewelled steven at the airport this morning at about 1130am...he finally cried...well, he dropped tears and fought back the rest of the tears....
pang wu also nearly lost it...and yes, i concede, i nearly lost it too..but i didnt cry..i just felt the urge to, but restrained it....

i really hate it when i see people walk through that customs door...

but oh wells, a farewell is a farewell....

farewell, steven, my friend and brother =)

p.s. sorry for the emo-ness...^_^

Tomorrow

2008-12-09T13:49:00.003+11:00

Tomorrow

ok..so tomorrow is my 'big day'....have already taken leave for tomorrow...
so wat m i gonna do tml??? well...ian planned something tml nite that starts at 630pm but he's not telling me what the plan is..so tt's kinda scary..all i know is to be back home by 630pm...

bringing steven out tomorrow afternoon too...

morning? dunno....maybe sleep in...hahaha!

somehow, lately, just feel a little sad...so many ppl left for good...steven leaving for good this fri as well...=( celine's leaving soon....=( yus has left...=(

i've already lost count on how many people i have had to farewell in the past 3 years...thought i would be numb by now....but i aint..which is a goood thing cause it means that i still have emotions...^_^

oh wells...looking forward to ending work today..then HOLIDAY TML!!!!

Bokko Dance

2008-12-03T00:29:00.000+11:00

Bokko Dance

Been obsessed with this korean thingy dance..called Bokko dance...

wanna learn some of the moves..haha! it's good aerobic workout!!!

Me

2008-11-26T13:00:00.003+11:00

ME!

For the fun of it, i decided to post one of my childhood photos...^_^

i was 3 years old (count the no. of candles...) and the bday cake was actually a Hello kitty!!! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

oh..don't i look cute?? just like now?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(i'm sorry if you accidentally vomitted blood or any other unidentified object...^_^)

Grace

2008-11-25T09:57:00.002+11:00

Grace

"Grace costs the giver EVERYTHING and the receiver NOTHING...."

now i know why sometimes i feel so painful in extending grace to a person or situation whenever my natural instincts say that I dont want to...

painful it may be, but i know i need to and i want to develop grace in my life.

2008-11-22T19:09:00.001+11:00

Progress Report Update

I typed out a 3 page progress report on Friday for my supervisors to review and considering that so many people ask me what i can do from 9-5 everyday doing in office researching..well, hope this can help answer your queries. I thought I shall just share with you all what i've been doing over the last 2-3 months...just bear in mind that it's meant to be a SUMMARY of what i've done..haha

Note, just read the english words, you need not understand it....^_^

(Click on the picture to enlarge and read)

Too fast Too Furious

2008-11-15T23:17:00.002+11:00

Too Fast Too Furious

I've come to a conclusion...i need to slow down....

I think i'm pushing myself too much....but do i really have a choice?? Frankly speaking, i don't know.

It really is scary when you're moving but you don't know where you're headed and some clues as to where you're going would be great...unfortunately, i have none at this point in time...i only know i'm doing some stuff, but heading no where cause i have no clue....

Let faith arise....
let courage arise....
let joy arise....
let confidence arise...
let hope arise....
let ashes arise....

Monday blues is going to hit me at 7pm tomorrow......yea...i'm forecasting ...beautiful isnt it??

Rambling

2008-11-12T10:51:00.002+11:00

Rambling

Couldnt come up with a better title..it's just there to make this entry have a structure of having a title, body and conclusion...ok..maybe no conclusion....

Currently at home marking exam papers, going to uni later in the afternoon to work on my research....taking a break from marking exam papers now...

I've come across some really interesting papers. There was a question that asked whether the number of pre-natal visits (visits by a pregnant woman to the doctor) was reasonable ...some interesting responses i got:
1. "I'm a guy and do not have any idea what a pre-natal visit is"
2. "I've no expectation as to how pre-natal visits can affect the weight of a baby"
3. "I dont know if it's reasonable." (i;m afraid honesty doesnt pay here..)
4. "I'm no pregnancy expert but i think......"

I've also come across really interesting 'dialogues' from some students in the exam paper.

1. "Sorry for the messy handwriting"
My response: "Sorry for not being able to award marks cause i really cant read the words"

2. "OUT OF TIME (and the rest of the paper was blank)"
My response: "Sorry for not being able to award marks because there's nothing on the paper for me to give marks!"

One of my colleagues came across an interesting answer yesterday. The question asked if something was reasonable and why. This student answered:
"It is reasonable as there is no reason for it to be unreasonable."

-_-

Anyway, enough of talking about exam papers...i think lately for me, i'm just had a lot of things right up my neck. I've been sleeping only about 4-5 hours each night for the past 2 nights cause there's just so much for me to do (and of course, not to mention those intermittent times when i just wake up in the middle of the night)....

I'm trying to complete about 3.5 months of research work into slightly less than 2 because of my 1 month hol in singapore/msia in Jan. And if that was not bad enough, my research is not making any progress at all. Nothing that i'm currently working on has been solved. And on Monday, i had a 2.5 hour meeting with my supervisor just to go through the really basic theory that i learnt back in march! But i guess this is wat i call taking 10 steps back in order to advance 100 steps.

I dont know what's the way of responding....but what i do know is that He is in control and i shall continue to abide in His presence.....

Oh help me and make haste to save me!

I shall rejoice =)

2008-11-07T00:31:00.003+11:00

Ivy ONG

Ivy Ong, this post is dedicated just for you.....

Ian Song and I will be sharing the same room....so just tahan and live with it...

Don't go to poor Cal**n and get him as "THE SPY"....

If not, we can kick ian song out of the house and he can move up the mountain whereby there is no one and you can rest assured that no one will come close to him. The only problem is that you will have to climb up that mountain frequently to visit him....which may be a good idea as you will no longer need to go fitness first...the desire to see him should propel you to climb that mountain and as a by-product, keep fit!

Calvin...forget about that spy camera...that's just lame...^_^

And ivy, did you put spice in that cookie?? I really felt that you added something 'extra' in there....

maybe i'm just paranoid now....thanks to you =)

p.s. if any of you havent realised...ivy and i are just playing and mugging around....dont treat it seriously ok....lol

Work from home

2008-11-05T19:14:00.009+11:00

Work From Home

Calvin managed to fix up my laptop early this morning at around 1am and i spent some time installing some essential programs till about 2am.

When i woke up this morning at 830am, there were some thoughts that came into my head:
1. I am currently working on 2 programming problems, whereby each problem takes some time to run on the computer.
2. I have 2 laptops.
3. Each of the laptop has the software program that i use for my research.

An idea struck me...
I decided to work from home whereby i worked simultaneously on the 2 separate programs on the 2 laptops....

Left: Old laptop
Centre: LCD monitor which is just an extension of the display screen of my newer laptop on the right
Right: Newer laptop

FOr once i felt as though i was some kind of computer hacker like the big kid you saw in Transformers.....

Life is a Gift

2008-11-03T22:07:00.000+11:00

Life is a Gift

Today
before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't
speak.

Before
you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone
who has nothing to eat.

Before
you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone
who's crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today
before you complain about life - Think of someone who went
too early to heaven.

Before
whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who
walks the same distance with their feet.

And when
you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the
unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your
job.

And when
depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on
your face and think: you're alive and still
around.

Patience

2008-11-02T23:09:00.002+11:00

Patience Tested

Today is by no means a very pleasant day for me. I have had 2 bad things happen today..and they have yet to be solved....

I was in church this morning and I turned on my laptop....well..it turned on...but my screen was a total blackout...windows couldnt load.....i'm now using my old laptop (thank God for it...)

i couldnt believe it....my heart just sank when i saw that black screen in front of me..so many thoughts running around in my head...many important stuff inside the laptop that i just cant afford to lose because i've spent so much time and effort in doing those work....you're talking about 4 months of hard work (since i've been using that new laptop for that period of time)...and of coz...i need not mention all the important information that i had stored inside there...frankly speaking, it's emotional torture....if you think i'm making a big fuss over it and cant understand why i am feeling what i am feeling....it's just because you're not in my shoes....so show some compassion will ya??

the 2nd bad thing that happened was when i discovered my car's right rear door is spoilt..the door cant be opened from the inside....i think i was pretty amazed that i didnt scream out in frustration when sam found that out for me...what timing....laptop spoilt..and now car door is spoilt...and given that this week is going to be VERY VERY BUSY BEYOND MY IMAGINATION (phd research + exam marking), i cant imagine taking out time from work just to go to toyota service to have the door fixed....please please...let the door be under warranty......

putting that car issue aside, i think i'm really blessed to have people in church to help me with my laptop.....wai keung spent almost 5 -6 hours trying to retrieve MOST of my hardisk data (which he did) and recovering the system (in which he had partial success). he was apologetic that he couldnt reach a complete resolution but i'm already grateful to the so much things he has done...

my laptop is now with Calvin in ER....he's trying to help recover the missing 190GB of hardisk space due to the incompetency of the HP recovery system disc....thanks bro for helping in the midst of ur exams....thank you so much =) you've been a reliable bro in my every time of need....

and of coz...if all else fails..dhany has offered to help me with it on tues night....he's the most experienced anywayz...since he's working in this field.. =)

so....although i dont deny that my heart is in a little turmoil, here's a verse i'm holding on tightly to my heart "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to GOd and the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your heart.."

and of coz....i shall be glad and rejoice =) singing releases joy, and i'm a overcomer in Christ!

thank you wai keung
thank you calvin (and thanks for identifying with my pain about the car too...=) )
thank you dhany

Which is Bigger

2008-11-01T00:43:00.002+11:00

Which is Bigger??

We all know that a mountain is bigger than a sparrow...

But under which circumstance is a sparrow bigger than a mountain? Well, when we are seeing the sparrow at close range and when the mountain is in a distant view away...

Sometimes in life, we focus on the sparrow being so big and forget that there's a bigger and nicer backdrop to which that sparrow is flying in....

The bigger picture...can we see it?
The sparrow, can we see it fit in the bigger picture?

Sometimes, it really is a beautiful picture =)

I Finally See

2008-10-17T23:17:00.002+11:00

I Finally See

So, it's been almost 9 months since i commenced PhD and contrary to popular belief, PhD is not a slack time. We are considered working full time! We do not follow semester timetable and we certainly do not have those semester breaks that undergraduate students have.

I start work at about 930am (on average) and work till about 6-630pm everyday on average and whenever i reach home, i'm just plain tired and just want to sit and rest and not bother about anything else (which isnt the case..^_^). On Wednesday, as i was sitting in through a lecture, i suddenly thought of my mum and i could only say "mum, i finally see."

When i was in secondary school, my mum started working full time as a clerk in a hospital in singapore. I think her work starts at about 8am and i know she ends at 5pm. Having no car, she would take the public transport and arrive home at 545pm (yes,...it's 545pm..i remember very clearly). YET, she still comes home to cook dinner for the whole family. Despite working 5 days a week, she finds time to do the household chores that I very stubbornly refused to help on so many occasions. How did she manage to pull through all those years? full time work and those household chores and more importantly, 3 men to take care of!!!! And i already find managing myself quite a challenge at times...

As i thought more of my mum, an overwhelming sense of shame came over me and i felt so ashamed of treating my mum badly in so many ways. I took her for granted. I seldom showed her my appreciation. She would get angry at me so many times but i would always retaliate in my anger towards her. How could I?!

I was blind to see then, but now i clearly see.

I just want to say to my mum, i really really love you and please forgive me for all the hurts that i've caused you. You've really gave it all for my bro and I and you never asked anything in return, only that I would be obedient to you.

Thank you for your love that endures, mummy =)

Dont they care

2008-10-16T23:11:00.001+11:00

Don't They Care?

I realised something tonight. I get infuriated when i care about something of someone and that someone doesnt care at all about that something.

This is an emotion I definitely dont want to carry.....

Singapore Frist

2008-10-10T16:32:00.001+11:00

Singapore First again...

Singapore has always been striving so hard to be the first in everything...but i dont think they will be very pleased with this latest fact from the global financial crisis....

Quoted from The Age Online on 10th Oct 2008
(Singapore) is the first Asian country to fall into a recession since the (financial) crisis started

This is really not good at all.....

yet another tag

2008-10-09T18:03:00.003+11:00

Yet Another Tag

yet another tag by calvin woon aka bawoon (or baboon). so i need to list 8 facts about myself....so here they are..shall keep it really short and simple...

1. I've been sick for the past 4 days

2. I've been working on a computer program for the past 3 weeks with results driving me up the wall.

3. I'm into my 8th month of PhD.

4. I'm on a weight loss regime, not because i'm fat, but because i want to lose weight for my health (and also to be more recognisable by my mum when i fly home this year)

5. I need to clean my room....especially my bookshelf which is becoming more and more dusty as we speak....

6. Someone's bday is coming and i need to start planning how to celebrate and wat present to get for that person.....

7. I'll be poorer from next week onwards cause next week is the last week of semester = last week of tutoring = last week i can get income from tutoring... T-T

8. I'm Jason Ng

As usual..i shall bless 7 people by not passing on the tag and only tag ONE person...

CALVIN WOON THEAN WENG!!! YOU ARE TAGGED AGAIN!!!!!!! i dun care i dun care =)

Program

2008-10-02T12:43:00.003+10:00

Programming

I think this is the first time i m actually blogging while at work...well, cause there's nothing else i can do,

I wrote up this HUGE BIG program for my phd research and it's so big that it takes on average 10 minutes to run before the results pop out...so here i am, just stoning, seeing the program run, waiting for the results to show and then figuring out why the results are not what i need....

and each time i dont get the desired results, i need to work on why it is so, then change the program here and there, then re-run it...and then it would take another 10 mins to run the program....

i think i can bring in a story book the next time....

Tagged by CHUA

2008-09-20T15:20:00.002+10:00

Tagged By Chua (for lack of better name for this post)

i personally think it's dumb for me to respond to this kinda thing..but i dont wanna offend ppl..so i shall just play along...shall not bother copying all those dumb dumb rules or even bother tagging 5 other ppl...^_^

starting time: 322pm
name: jason

sisters: 0
brothers: 1

shoe size: cant remember..all my shoes fit..tt's wat matters

height: 176cm
where do you live: Melbourne

have you ever been on a plane?
guess how i came to melbourne...

swam in the ocean?
in dreams, yes.

fallen asleep in school?
yes

broken someone's heart?
of coz..

fell off your chair?
yea...i even broke my chair before...

sat by the phone and waited all night for someone to call?
no

saved emails?
i dun delete mails...

what is your room like?
ppl say its like Ikea show room...

what's right beside you?
my door

what was the last thing you ate?
rice, chicken schnitzel

ever had chicken pox?
yes

like picnics?
its fine..as long as there r awesome sandwiches...

who was/were the last person you dance with?
i forgot..

last made you smile?
???? i laughed..is tt counted?

you last yelled at...
myself...i dun like yelling at ppl

today did you talk to someone you like?
i dun like how this qn is phrased...i like so many ppl...

kissed anyone?
my mum and dad

get sick?
who doesnt?

talk to an ex?
i'm still single...

missed someone?
my mum and dad

who do you really hate?
N.A

do you like your handwriting?
it's ok

are your toenails painted?
i'm a guy

whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in?
ian song's...his bed is a little bit more comfortable than mine..

what colour shirt are you wearing right now?
white

are you a friendly person?
tt's not for me to say...

do you have any pets?
no...

do you sleep with the tv on?
no...

what are you doing right now?
typing and answering this tag..thanks to AH CHUA!!!!!

can you handle the truth?
it has to be handled with anyway...

are you closer to your mother or father?
well, it's like asking, do you like your left hand more or right hand more?

do you eat healthy?
i better say yes..if not my mum will scold..hHAHAHAHAA! love you mum =)

do you still pictures of you and your ex?
conditional on the answer above, as the time approaches infinity, the property of convergence applies and therefore the probability of the limit approaches one....which is no...

if you're having a bad day, who would you most likely go to?
someone whom you cant see but is watching over me =)

are you loud or quiet most of the time?
not for me to say

are you confident?
maybe not so in my phd...hahaa! if my dad reads this..i'm doing fine =)

5 things i was doing 10 years ago:
studying
playing
eating
sleeping
drinking

5 things i would do if i am a billionaire:
again, i dont bother entertaining such hypothetical questions...

5 of my bad habits:
you tell me....

5 places i am living in:
whoever came up with this question deserves to be shot....he/she assumes that we stay at a different location from mons to fris???

5 people i tag:
i shall bless that 5 ppl by not tagging them...

end time: 333pm

I've made up my mind!

2008-09-20T00:15:00.002+10:00

I've made up my mind!

TO go to the gym with my phd mates!!!!!!!!!!

not that i am fat...but to prevent myself from being fat....WAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKA!

wanna go for those cycling stuff....burns 800 calories in 40 mins!

when things come to a stand still

2008-09-18T00:36:00.002+10:00

When things come to a stand still

It's 1235am now...i should be in bed....but somehow i'm not sleepy.

Today has been a long day at work and outside work, but somehow, i'm not tired.

one thing i like about now is that everything around me is quiet. It's dark outside. It's quiet too...housemates are asleep..only me and my com....

very easy for me to wander around in my thoughts...somehow, whenever i wander in my thoughts..i think about negative thoughts....maybe it's the melancholic side of me, the inner me that just wants to cry out to my ownself, to be frank with my own feelings and attitudes, to be true to my feelings, that sometimes, it's really ok to be down. coz when we have grieved, only can we move on.

night time is the time when i seem to enjoy every minute that passes by, cause i can enjoy the passing of time. there's the freedom for me to ponder about things....the day time is just too hectic..too fast for my own good. oh, how i love the night time....and it's full moon tonite..awesome view...

i really think it's a privilege when people open up to you and share with you certain problems that they are facing and it's definitely a learning curve for me. thank you for trusting me. sometimes i just m awestruck at how people actually get the courage to share with me the things they share about...i m just humbled by their trust. thank you.

well..it's 1256am..think i better go..

i'm sure tml is gonna be a good day....coz i want it so, and i will make it so...

you and i, we are a miracle

2008-09-13T22:01:00.002+10:00

You and I, We are a Miracle

Here's a famous saying by Augustine:
"People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering."

Meaning, people travel around the world to be awed and amazed at creation. However, so many of us pass by ourselves..we dont think of ourself as something or someone worthy to be amazed at...well, you and I, we are a MIRACLE.

We started off from a single cell, multiplied into 16 cells within 3 days in our mother's womb...and in the midst of the creation, there required 1 million cells to match another 1 million cells to ensure that we were formed properly.....

i'm no big scientist..but i've really come to learnt, if you want to be amazed at creation, dont look beyond yourself. You are a miracle....

Forgiveness

2008-08-31T16:31:00.002+10:00

Forgiveness

I was talking to Ian this morning at around 1210am....spoke for about 40 mins.

It then suddenly daunted upon me that i havent forgiven myself for so many of my faults.

I know I'm forgiven by others.....but i finally realised that the greatest obstacle in front of me..is actually myself....

I cant forgive myself for my wrongs....or rather, i find it hard....i've always forgiven people for their wrongs, but i just dont understand why i cant forgive myself. i hold on tightly to these wrongs and blame myself strongly for them...

interesting eh? i never realised it until this morning....

how long have i been living in unforgiveness? no idea..^_^

Cowkimon

2008-08-27T10:02:00.003+10:00

Cowkimon

A new rival to pokimon....

p.s. a big THANK YOU to my PhD mate ISFAAQ TIMOL for sending me this pic in my email. So now dont say that i dont love you! ^_^

See ya

2008-08-27T09:48:00.002+10:00

See Ya

well, that's it. My elder brother has left Melbourne...for good =(

I drove him to the airport and we didnt quite say much...cause he was sleeping throughout the whole journey! hahaha! think he didnt sleep much the night before.

Dropped him off at the airport and went back to Uni. As i was driving back to Uni, so many flashbacks came...as usual. And to some extent, i was glad that he had the opportunity to come to Melbourne. We have had been through some really heartwarming times (eg. graduations and bdays) and some really heartwrenching times. BUt at the end of it all, I think we really did grow closer together. perhaps the only 'regret' that i had was not visiting him in the city as much as i could.

feeling kinda sad....i mean..he was my only family (bar aside the frens and stuff...^_^) here in melb, and now i'm alone again. feels a little empty for me. but oh wells, it's just me. I'll get over it...

love you bro....

>.<

Teaching

2008-08-25T16:22:00.002+10:00

Teaching and Markers

I must be mad today.

I just concluded a 2 hour tutorial in Econometrics.

I used up 4 whiteboard markers.

Pity my students....

(p.s. To those who are outdated, yes, i am tutoring a 2nd year subject in uni....)

Under Cover

2008-08-21T23:01:00.002+10:00

Under Cover

Strength under control.
Emotions under control.
Thoughts under control.

I realise that as one grows older, there's much more things to bear and we need to learn how to handle it individually without pulling down others.

Mark of maturity? or just a mark of withdrawal?

i dunno ^_^

Too much knowledge is unwise

2008-08-21T11:41:00.002+10:00

Too much knowledge is unwise...

Lemma 1: Knowledge is Power.
Lemma 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

Work
---------- = Power
Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time =Money, we have

Work
--------- = Knowledge
Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Work
----------- = Money
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more money you Make.

Tagged

2008-08-06T00:19:00.004+10:00

When tagged, answer...it's courtesy

oh wells, since i got tagged..i better answer it...dun wanna ignore it for the 3rd time....(cant believe i'm actually doing this....)

1. At what age do you wish to marry?
28

2. What is your most favourite thing to do?
Spending quality time with loved ones

3. If you have a close close close friend since childhood who loves to take away whatever you like, including guys/girls, and he/she always wins, will you still consider him/her your friend?
If I'm able to be genuinely happy for him/her, yeap, tt's proof of a friendship. =)

4. What would you give up in return to eat all you want in the world and not get fat?
erz...i really have no idea...i dont waste time thinking about hypothetical questions whereby i can reject the null hypothesis with 100% confidence...i'm now left mulling over what kind of probability distribution it follows in order to apply the appropriate inference test.....

5. Is there someone in your heart right now?
Physically, no
figuratively, of course!

6. Do you believe you can survive without money?
Well, i dont think so. BUt i know i really cannot survive without friends.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?
Close ones

8. What do you feel like doing, right now?
Sleep for a solid 8 hours without having to wake up 4 times in the night!!!!!

9. If there's someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
Nope. i prefer doing it the biblical way, and that is to obtain approval from parents and shepherds =)

10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
stable, a girl beyond her age, passionate

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
Love me unconditionally, and me being able to love her unconditionally.

12. What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?
who's the he/she the qn is referring to?

13. What would you do if you cannot get what you want in life?
I'm currently learning how to be content
1 Tim 6: 8 "But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that."

14. What do you think 'Love' is?
Always about the other person

15. If you had a choice to be rich or happy, which one would you pick?
Happy.

16. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
Impatience

17. What is the one thing you love about yourself?
Loving in action and not in words.

18. How do you see yourself in 10 years time?
Teaching

19. Is there a specific song that can describe your current mood?
The Same Power

20. If you had 24 hours to do anything, anything at all in the world, whether it be realistically possible, what would it be?
Impartation

We assume too much

2008-07-16T21:35:00.003+10:00

We assume too much

During one of my breaks this afternoon in office, i was browsing through some of my friends' blogs and i came across one which i have not read for a long time cause he relocated his blog and i didnt bother updating.

I was saddened by one of his posts....i did not realise that his dad had passed away about more than 6 months ago....

in his post..i had to agree with him that we assume too much about life. We assume that we will live a long life, a life long enough to see through your graduation, your marriage, your kids, your career, your retirement. His dad only had 6 months to live back then....only 6 months....

I think i was also upset at the fact that this friend of mine was actually a very close friend of mine when i was in secondary school. in fact, i called him brother. tt was how close we were. it's sad tt as always, i always fail to keep in contact with people. i let distance and time fail a relationship.
This was a friend whom i knew well. I knew his sister and mum. I also used to go over to his place to stay over and just chill out.

to that friend, if you happen to read this post...i'm sorry.....

Conference COming

2008-07-15T23:26:00.004+10:00

Conference COming

Will be flying off this Sat morning to Hamilton islands for my 1st ever phd conference...am excited for it, also looking forward to it, yet there's a part of me that's apprehensive about it...but i shall not say why....all i can say is that this apprehension is coming from 3rd parties....lets also say i need to be in step with the spirit at all times....

have been sorting out some admin stuff for the trip since last thurs...i realised how much stuff i didnt do cause i tot everything was done for me...

had to email accommodation, check transport, print out listings of lectures, print out instructions, check air tickets, read up on topics, planning some trips that i hope to go on board over there

so much to do...and let alone the Pasta night event that we're having this Thursday, and with my PhD work hitting against a hard wall (i.e. no breakthrough), things seem to be just so tough this week...and oh ya, did i mention that i had to repair one of my car tyres coz it got punctured by a small safety pin??
and yea...i'm having a severe lack of sleep AGAIN...i actually fell asleep in office today.....

let me pull through this week....please...

=)

Phone Calls

2008-07-12T22:57:00.003+10:00

Phone Calls when I am sleeping

I received a phone call at 7am this morning, followed by another by a different person at 710am. Obviously, i was still sleeping and couldnt talk much over the phone..i'm just blur...but tt was not too bad....i recalled of 2 incidences when something really farnie happened....

this happened twice..to ian song and chiann. Basically, i was dead tired and was sleeping really soundly. They called me....and i picked up the phone...but didnt say anything over the phone....

You know what's the best part? i didnt know i picked up the phone....

So when they saw me and asked y i didnt say anything over the phone, i responded "huh? when did you call me?"

I then checked my phone records and yea....it showed tt they called and i did pick up the phone....HAHAHAHAHAH!!! i didnt even know

ian was saying tt i was breathing quite loudly over the phone...hahahaha!

oh wells, anyone wants to try calling me when i sleep? ^_^

Random thoughts

2008-07-11T20:48:00.003+10:00

Random thoughts

i seldom have the luxury of time to just sit and wander in my thoughts..so i'll just write whatever random stuff comes into my mind.

I.
Results were released last night and as i went to office this morning, there were quite a no. of students that came to our department asking to review their exam papers (students who failed their subject)...they were all first year students..
my office became a hot zone immediately as 3 of us are tutors...however i wasnt involved as i tutor a 2nd year subject and none of my students that failed came to ask to review their paper..but my other 2 mates had to review papers since they teach 1st year units....
i can only say..it wasnt too sightly a scenario....perhaps there was a lack of compassion, a lack of understanding...i just dont agree with the way things are done...things are done for formality's sake oh wells, i guess the system always does us in...

II.
I'm coming to realise that sometimes being 'different' can be a painful price tag you need to bear....

So what if i'm fat?
So what if i cant play sports that well?
so what if i cant play computer games?
and so what if i dont play computer games?
so what if i'm bad at sports and com games?
so what if i'm someone who studies/works a lot??
So what if i'm a CHristian?
So what if you dont agree with my life?

it's simple actually, i'm just me, and you're just you.
Do me a favour too, please dont use your life as a benchmark to measure mine against yours and then make comments about what I should or should not do..it's dumb..no..i'm not referring to spiritual stuff. spiritual life, yes please do...apostle paul told us to imitate the faith of our leaders =)

III.
Trying to be politically correct is one of my toughest challenge. sometimes, i just hate it...period.

IV.
Sometimes i just hate my mouth....

V.
I lack showing love to people. it's kinda sad when people say to me "you just dont care about me do you?" i think it hurts me as much as it hurts them

VI.
If only people could be more responsible towards other people....

VII.
I think i shall end here....^_^

DONE

2008-06-30T21:43:00.002+10:00

I'm done!

I'm done with exam marking and keying in of the exam marks!!!!! FINALLY DONE!!!!

now...back to phd.....

i need to see my supervisors...or rather...one wants to see me, i need to see the other one....

=(

overwhelming

2008-06-22T23:01:00.003+10:00

Overwhelmed

If you ask me how i feel now, overwhelmed is a good word to describe it. Perhaps it's an understatement of certain things that i'm going through.

Things that happened to me over the past week, things that i see happening to people over the past week..things that i need to set out to do for the coming week..things that have not been working well... they're just so overwhelming

i'm so convinced that the toughest things to deal with on this planet are emotions and people...

to those who are close to me, it's not YOU ok..it's just an accumulation of things over time and people tt just got a little too big for me to handle....^_^

wat i need now is not rest..it's space.....

i want to be selfish and just think abt myself these few days...but i know i cant...

oh wells, life goes on....

Standard Raised

2008-06-17T23:51:00.006+10:00

Standard Raised

right..so today was my scheduled appointment with my supervisor. She prepared well.

I stepped into her office at 1130am today and noticed that her office was a little different. She had this huge whiteboard on the table against the wall....it was meant for me....nope..not meant for me to take home..meant for me to PRESENT to my supervisor the work that i'm going through .....well, that was what she said..the whiteboard was meant for me to write on for her to see...

she has just raised the bar....she has raised the pressure for me....

She was really quick..when i asked her a question, she asked "do you want to write it on that whiteboard?" and i was like..errz...ok

so i started writing and explaining my train of thoughts, and asking her questions along the way...my heart was pounding really fast...after all, you're presenting material to your supervisor!!!! It was like a lecture....and of course, being a perfectionist, i didnt want to appear that i didnt know my content well..so i went really technical into my discussion...she liked it....

along the way, she would ask "why did you do that?" or "what's the rationale?".... to top things up, she would deliberately make mistakes in her writings and i would have to pick it up and she would said "good", and i would ask "you mean that was deliberate to test me?"..and she would say with a big smile "yes!"

12:45pm. Meeting was over. Before i left, she said "you did very well! much better when my supervisor did that with me the 1st time!"

now i know...my meetings with my supervisor is going to be a high stress level affair from now on.....

but honestly, i kinda found it fun and challenging...battle of the brains!

Menzies on a Saturday

2008-06-14T15:21:00.005+10:00

Menzies on a Saturday

For the 1st time in my 3 years here in Melb, i actually came into Uni to work on a weekend.
Menzies building is so quiet.....and i thought it couldnt get any quieter than during the exam period

escalators are off, 50% of the lights are turned off....

so quiet.....

next time, if i want some peace and quiet and jsut want to dwell in my own thoughts..i know where to come to...

well, time to go home..just finished marking 80 exam scripts....(well, i only mark 1 question..so i marked 80 questions)

it's interesting when students come up with new formulae that you never saw before. On first sight, it looks intelligent. On further working and thought, they're just making things up...^_^ which means, WRONG!!! hahahahahaha!

ciaoz!

Lake's Entrance

2008-06-10T17:36:00.001+10:00

Lake's Entrance

okie dokie..a very late post...but yeap, here are the photos that i took when i went on a short holiday with Ian, Ivy, Rachel and Veng at Lake's Entrance from the 11th to 13th May. fantastic place....not many people and good scenaries, perfect place for me to rest, daydream and play!!!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Out of Touch

2008-06-09T13:45:00.003+10:00

Out of Touch

right..so this is the second week of exams and i must confess that i'm indeed not used to seeing my undergrad friends mugging for exams and complaining about stress and the lack of time and sleep....well, because I dont have exams this semester....

what i'm also not used to is the fact that i've been in uni everyday although semester has ended and i'm not used to the fact that i've to continue working at times like this...times like this referring to exam period and the imminent coming of sem holidays...=(

when my undegrad friends finish their exams, they will be free to go and play while i'll be loaded with tons of work cause i'll be marking exam papers! i'll be marking 2 subjects...not really complainign about that cause i know i will earn lots of cash from that...haha! but the thought of not being able to go out with them as often as i used to....it's kinda sad lar...

on a more serious note, ever since i started PhD, i've been asking myself whether I've grown to become out of touch of what undergrad students go through now...sometimes i just feel i cant connect with my undergrad frens ...sometimes i just feel i dont understand them...and sometimes i think they dont understand me...

Sometimes when i think about the times that i had with them that arent really possible now, i just let out a huge sigh....it's sad....

A random reflection of the state of mind...here's what you get =)

Emotions

2008-06-04T00:32:00.003+10:00

Hiding

One of the hardest things I have found in life is to control your emotions and pretend that everything is normal...

so many things, so many thoughts, so much unwillingness to let go.....yet I know that I have to move on, no matter how unwilling i am

I actually gave myself till Sunday...but i'm still dwelling on it.... there's just so much unwillingness....it's just impossible to keep my eyes closed!

i have to be strong. i must be strong. and I shall rejoice and give thanks in all circumstances!

why do certain things just have to be harder than I think????

sometimes i just feel so lonely inside.....

oh wells....

Congratulations

2008-05-30T13:31:00.003+10:00

"Jason, you're famous"

My department manager said this to me about 2 days ago when she bumped into me on the Ground floor of the Menzies building and i happened to ask why.

"Oh! The news of your scholarship award night has been reported on the Monash Memo."

True enough, the Monash Memo was emailed to ALL Monash Uni students and it was reported that me and 2 other awardees were awarded a scholarship for our PhD...=)there was a nice photo of us as well..^_^

Later that afternoon, the department manager sent an email to all the staff in the department congratulating me and Alex (the other awardee winner) with some really blown up pictures of us during the ceremony night...

then soon later, some of my frens who saw me around in uni said 'congrats for your scholarship'

so here's just a screen shot of the website that reported the news...you will see a photo of 3 guys at the bottom left hand corner..i m the guy on the extreme left...with black hair (yes..it's still black and it wun change until when i reach 60 and all becomes white)

If you want the website....here it is..
http://www.monash.edu.au/students/

but i dont think it will be there for that long since monash updates the site quite regularly..=)

Sowing and Reaping

2008-05-22T11:09:00.002+10:00

Sowing and Reaping

Sow a thought, reap an act.
Sow an act, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny.

Reciprocate

2008-05-21T23:36:00.001+10:00

Reciprocate

Zepeng said something tonight that really struck me a lot. It is very sad when someone whom you love dont reciprocate that love towards you.....

Painful it is indeed....

Take Me In

2008-05-21T10:54:00.002+10:00

Take Me In

An encouraging video with an encouraging song with encouraging verses....

in there

2008-05-18T17:00:00.000+10:00

In There

Have been pretty much in thought this past week (yea...as always). (And by the way, i've come to realise that sitting down and just stoning is kinda stressful for me...i prefer to think about something....)anyway, back to the topic....

i'm 22 years old and there are so many people around me that are at least 2 years younger than me. yet, what is the difference between them and me?
frankly speaking, not much....(lets not talk about the wisdom ok....i know one of you THINK you're smarter than me..i'm fine by tt too..^_^ just dont get deceived for too long...MUAHAHAHAHHAA!!!, yes mr. woon aka baboon, tt's you...^_^)

why do i say not much difference between me and them? cause if you look deep into your heart, in there, we go through the same thing....

We desire to be loved.
We desire to be accepted.
We desire to grow and mature.
We desire to build strong friendships.
We desire to have someone close to share with and rely on.

We are afraid of loneliness.
We are afraid of letting people down.
We are afraid of losing friends.
We are afraid that close friends begin to feel distant from us.
We are afraid that the memories that are in the making will cease to no longer exist.
We are afraid of discouragement.

We get disappointed when people let us down.
We get disappointed when people dont understand us.
We get disappointed when all our hard work pays no reward.
We get disappointed when we fail to be proactive in working on a relationship.

At the end of it all, in there, i know we face almost the same things....
The question is, how will we respond?

Speech

2008-05-09T22:33:00.001+10:00

Speech

Ok..to those who were very curious as to what I said in my speech when I was awarded the Donald Cochrane Scholarship..here's the video to satisfy your curiosity...^_^

Enjoy!

2008-05-08T13:29:00.003+10:00

Programming

To let you have a feel what i've been doing for the past 3 weeks in programming..here's a program that i've written so far....and it's not yet complete..coz something's wrong at the end......=(

/*Estimation of a simple linear regression model using Gibbs Sampling
***** Error variance (sighat2) unknown*****/

library pgraph;
graphset;
gausset;

fonts("simplex complex microb simgrma");

pqgwin many;

seed = 123456.0;
print "seed =" seed;

numb = 200;

lsig = 0.1;
usig = 0.8;
nums = ((usig-lsig)/0.01)+1;
cbeta2 = zeros(numb,1);
csig = zeros (nums, 1);

/************************1. Generating data = y x1 x2 x3 x4 x5**********************************/

nobs = 1000;

y = rndns (nobs, 1, seed);
x1 = ones (nobs,1);
x2 = rndns (nobs, 1,seed);
x3 = rndns (nobs, 1, seed);
x4 = rndns (nobs, 1, seed);
x5 = rndns (nobs, 1, seed);
u = rndns (nobs, 1, seed).*.0.3;

y = 5.0*x1 + 0.2*x2 + 0.3*x3 + 0.4*x4 + 0.5*x5 + u;

/****************Regressor matrix used in the estimation****************/
x = x1~x2~x3~x4~x5;

__output = 0;
_olsres = 1;

{z1,z2,bdt,z4,z5,stderrph,sighat,z8,z9,resid,z11} = ols(0,x,y);

/******Specification of sample statistics*****/
df = nobs - 5;
invxx = inv(x'x);
x22 = invxx[2,2];
x33 = invxx[3,3];
x44 = invxx[4,4];
x55 = invxx[5,5];
b2= bdt[2];
b3=bdt[3];
b4=bdt[4];
b5=bdt[5];

/***2. Specification of the exact marginal posterior UNIVARIATE Student t density
******** for beta 2 and 3 based on the noninformative Jeffreys prior
******** with df = nobs-5 degrees of freedom
*****/
proc margb2 (beta2);
local t,intcon,studt;

t = (beta2 - b2)/(sighat*sqrt(x22));
intcon = gamma((df+1)/2)/((sighat*sqrt(x22))*sqrt(df*pi)*gamma(df/2));
studt = intcon*(1 + (1/df)*t.^2).^(-(df+1)/2);

retp(studt);
endp;

beta2 = seqa(-0.1,0.01, numb);
exactb2 = margb2(beta2);
/*xy(beta2,exactb2);*/

proc margb3 (beta3);
local t1, intcon1, studt1;

t1 = (beta3-b3)/(sighat*sqrt(x33));
intcon1 = gamma((df+1)/2)/((sighat*sqrt(x33))*sqrt(df*pi)*gamma(df/2));
studt1 = intcon1*(1 + (1/df)*t1.^2).^(-(df+1)/2);

retp (studt1);
endp;

beta3 = seqa(-0.8,0.01,numb);
exactb3 = margb3(beta3);
/*xy(beta3,exactb3);*/

/***** 3.
**** Specification of the exact marginal posterior
**** INverted Gamma density for sigma based on the noninformative Jeffreys prior
**** with df = nobs-5 degrees of freedom
****/
proc margsig(sig);
local intcon, invgamma;

intcon = (2/(gamma(df/2)))*(df*(sighat.^2)/2)^(df/2);
invgamma = intcon * (1/sig.^(1+df)).*exp(-(df*sighat.^2)/(2*sig.^2));

retp (invgamma);
endp;

sig = seqa(lsig,0.01,nums);
exactsig = margsig(sig);
/*xy(sig,exactsig);*/

/***** 4.
****** Generation of values of beta and sigma via Gibbs sampling
*******/

/***burn in sample = 100; further 100 iterations****/

bur = 100;
repl = bur +100;
it = 10;

print " ";
print "Initial No. of Gibbs values = " repl;
print "No. of iterations per repl. = " it;
print " ";

bev = zeros (201,5);
sigv = zeros (201,1);

/*****4a Starting Values for Gibbs Algorithm, burn in sample = 100; further 100
iterations***/

sigv[1] = 0.2;
stnbe = rndns(200,5,seed);
meanb = (invxx)*x'y;
varb = (sigv[1])^2 * inv(x'x);
bgen = chol(varb)*stnbe[1,.]'+ meanb;
bev[2,.]=bgen';

a = (y-x*bev[2,.]')'(y-x*bev[2,.]');
zvec = rndns (200,1,seed);
chisq = zvec'zvec;
sigv[2]=sqrt(a/chisq);

j = 2;
do while j<=repl;
varb = (sigv[j])^2 * inv(x'x);
bgen = chol(varb)*stnbe[j,.]'+ meanb;
bev[j+1,.]=bgen';
a = (y-x*bev[j+1,.]')'(y-x*bev[j+1,.]');
sigv[j+1]=sqrt(a/chisq);

j = j+1;
endo;

print "bev" bev;
print "";
print "sigv" sigv;

/*******Formation of Beta2 and Beta3 conditional (analytically normalized)****/
meanb2 = meanb[2];
meanb3 = meanb[3];

j=102;
do while j<=repl;

varb = (sigv[j])^2 * inv(x'x);
varb2 = varb[2,2];
varb3 = varb[3,3];

proc condb2(beta2);
local z, cpdf;

z = (beta2 - b2)./sqrt(varb2);
cpdf = ((2*pi*varb2)^(-1/2))*exp(-0.5*(z.^2));

retp (cpdf);
endp;

beta2 = seqa(-0.1,0.01, numb);
cpdfbeta2 = condb2(beta2);

cbeta2 = cbeta2 + cpdfbeta2;

j= j+1;

endo;

densb2 = (1/100)*cbeta2;
xy(beta2, densb2~exactb2);

*
*
*
I LOVE GAUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waiting For You

2008-05-07T23:00:00.000+10:00

Waiting For YOu

Ok...tonight is one of those rare nights whereby i feel quite free and actually have time to listen to my favourite Singapore radio station, UFM1003 (it's a pop chinese radio station)..then they played one of my fav songs tt i liked when i was in JC....Waiting For You....

so many images flashed in my head...haiz...made me feel so melancholic....

well, here's a youtube video of the song...enjoy

assignment jokes

2008-05-05T09:22:00.000+10:00

Assignment Joke

Am currently marking my students 2nd assignment and will be marking assignments till about the end of the semester...well, because their 3rd assignment is due next Mon and i'm less than halfway through in the marking of their 2nd assignment..sigh...

anwyayz, it's definitely funny to read some answers.

one question says to estimate a new model by leaving out the variable "landlock" and replace it with "onell" and "bothll". It then asks, what variable has been deliberately left out...some students wrote... "landlock"....

-_-'''

i mean, would we be so dumb to ask such a question whereby that's the answer?

Sometimes

2008-04-30T02:50:00.000+10:00

What am i doing?

Sometimes i know what I'm doing
Sometimes i dont know what I'm doing
Sometimes i know what to do but dont want to do it
Sometimes i know what to do but dont know whether I know what I'm doing

right now...i'm not sure what i'm doing and whether i'm headed in the right direction....

may be related to phd..may not be related to phd....^_^

interesting isnt it? Have i gotten your head in circles? if i have, then congrats, i've succeeded..^_^

somehow, i've a feeling today will turn out well...feel so much joy in my whole being. =)

Happy Bday

2008-04-22T11:45:00.000+10:00

Happy Birthday Calvin

well dude, after 1 year, finally managed to celebrate your 21 years of life =) my only regret is that i wun be able to sabo you..but you can rest assured that i will give my blessings to those who wanna sabo you next year...^_^

oh wells, have said all i wanted to say to you last night. Been awesome to have you under my wing for the past 14 months and I enjoyed every moment of it, the good and the bad. It's been a humbling experience for me to teach someone of such high intellect and capabilities and thank you for your humility in learning from me. I hope you can continue to learn from me as I've been learning so much from you.=)

Continue to press on brother! Love you bro. =)

PhD Topic

2008-04-18T02:57:00.000+10:00

PhD Thesis Title

W O W. . . I finally have a title for my PhD thesis...

“Non-parametric estimation of forecast distributions in non-Gaussian state space models”

interesting....i understand every single word in the title except for "state space models"...cause i've never done state space models before...oh wells....

but frankly speaking, i'm quite excited about it...it's gonna be my baby....^_^

woo hoo!!! 3 years...how many weeks left? (3 x 52) - 8 = 148

Thank You

2008-04-16T04:37:00.000+10:00

Thank You

Was listening to a part of the chorus this morning...and this particular part of the chorus is what I really want to say to so many of YOU...especially the 3 boys under me....

"Well I wanna thank you now
For being patient with me
Oh its so hard to see
When my eyes are on me"

Love
JasZz~

Moving On

2008-04-15T17:07:00.000+10:00

Now..

Finally managed to have a GOOD release of what has been going on in my mind today....
Now...i need to follow up on the issue....

2008-04-08T02:37:00.000+10:00

25 Hours

Daylight savings finally ended and being a very smart person who loves to sleep, i used that one extra hour to sleep...and i woke up on sunday morning feeling fresh, motivated and energetic....(for the record, i woke up 6 times within a span of 5 hours the previous night). yesterday was just an awesome day...fantastic day in church as well..everything just flowed.

and i went jogging with some mates in the evening...was so cool! it's been quite some time since i went jogging and i think i MAY go jogging again later this evening if the weather is nice. =)

oh manz...had another good sleep last night as well. feel so happy. did some readings and got some new revelations....pretty encouraging. all righty, started my day well, hope it ends well today as well =)

in office now, let the battle begin!!!!!

I wonder

2008-04-03T17:49:00.000+11:00

I wonder

Sometimes I wonder why people know me better than I know them....am I that aloof or self centred? To the extent that I dont understand them?

right now..i dont want to think about anything....i'm tired..and i want to have fellowship with my warm cosy bed....seeing rachel ngoo's and jeremiah's and ben's big big bed really make me envious...they got such a big bed....i want one too....

Pilot

2008-04-01T05:00:00.000+11:00

Pilot

It's said that the F-16 was developed to act as a support weapons system for the US military's larger and more expensive figher aircraft...it also requires one vital element to be effective: a pilot who is in complete control. So, despite its amazing capabilities, without a pilot in control, an airborne F-16 would either fly uselessly or spiral out of control, with a crash being the inevitable...

Similarly, everyone of us has potential and amazing capabilities waiting to be unleased. However, who's the pilot in your life?? interesting thought isnt it? Maybe you have an answer...then my next one is...even if you're not the pilot, have you put yourself in the position of a co-pilot??

I need an ultimate pilot...^_^

2008-03-31T17:31:00.000+11:00

Minimise Damage

hmmz..it's been 24 hours....but it's still there. sadly, it isnt a dream, it isnt going to go away that fast too....

sometimes i just find it hard to accept that i cannot have an ideal situation....it's really painful!!!

but still, it's my choice to remain joyful =)

Someone said "you can have a supernatural day, or a normal day.." Pretty obvious which day i opt for....^_^

Calvin's Milk Processor

2008-03-30T16:14:00.000+11:00

Calvin's Milk Processor

On a lighter note....enjoy this video....
Calvin likes to drink milk.....

On me?

2008-03-30T16:12:00.000+11:00

On me?

I am actually still in disbelief....

I cant believe that a recurring theme that we so often see on MVs and movies and TV series has actually happened to me...real life....

Frankly speaking, i dont know what to do....

I think i wanna give up...

How much

2008-03-21T03:54:00.000+11:00

How Much More?

I really like to give time....and I've seen the results of giving time....
A question just popped up in my mind last night as i was packing....
"How much more can you give?"
I told myself "I dont know...but i shall keep giving..."

Enlarge my horizon...

Fall

2008-03-14T03:14:00.000+11:00

Fall

My burden in my heart since this morning:

"So I yearn for You, long to see You move, so I lift my hands before my King and pray."

Friendship

2008-03-11T16:38:00.000+11:00

Friendship

The timing of certain things can really be interesting ...just when Jean finally had the courage to point out what went wrong with our friendship, someone totally unrelated to the whole incident asked me a question last night "What do you look for in a friendship?" or "what do you treasure most in a friendship?"

My reply: "eternity"

I'm not sure whether this is a seasonal kind of answer..but yea...it's my answer for now...maybe it will stand forever, maybe i will change my answer again....

To all who know me, i've got a confession to make...i'm a good friend maker, but a bad friend keeper..

Can you help me to be a good friend keeper...please?

To Jean

2008-03-09T18:55:00.000+11:00

To Jean

Dear Jean,
I've read your blog entry dedicated to me and ss I write this, there is this overwhelming sense of regret and apology that is gripping my heart. Yes, it has been a long time indeed....

It has been 4 years and I'm ashamed to admit that, as you have said, we have drifted apart. We met in 2004. There were 4 of us then, and somehow, 3 more were added and we became the gang of 7 indeed. The times where we always hung around the foyer at Monash Sunway campus, the times when we would go for Walter Tan's econs tutorial, the times when we would go over to Medan for lunch, the times when we went to Redbox for a time of singing, all these are etched in my memory and mind.

You were one of the few good friends i had in Malaysia. Though I knew many people, not many people truly knew me and both you and rachel were the few ones who really knew me. Ailing and Sarah too. All of you made my campus life in Malaysia truly fun and memorable. When you and Rachel left for Melbourne in the 1st Sem of 2005, i was very upset. Everything didnt feel the same. I remembered telling Ailing once that life then has become so much quieter without the 2 of you around.

Somehow over here in Melb, we truly indeed drifted apart. I take responsibility for it. I saw the effort you put in in trying to organise catch up sessions, but it was always I that let you down. Nevertheless, you always sought to ensure that we could at least meet up once in a very blue moon. Coming to think about it, I'm so sorry for not turning up at the Chinese New Year dinner that you hosted in 2007. My bad.

"People say that we have different friends different stages of our lives"..this phrase that you wrote....it surely did catch my eye...it speaks so much. Now, am i really content to let stages of our lives dictate the different friends that we should have? I do not know. I can only say, I am a good friend maker, but an absolute bad friend keeper. I've let our friendship down..

Thank you for your wishes in my current and future endeavours. All of us have entered a new phase of life. All of us have grown. All of us have a sky that we are flying in. Though we all may have spread our wings and flown off in our own separate directions, I yearn that there will be one day whereby we will fly back to our take off point, our first time, our first meetings, our first memories.

Take care my dear friend. Keep in touch indeed. =)

Love with prayers
Jason