The Journey Begins

So today was the start of my 1st day as a PhD student...well, nothing much happened. Met up with my supervisor and talked about it. As expected, i will be doing a topic in the field of financial econometrics. This is what i have to do now:

(i) Read 4 textbooks and find out which textbook I like the most
(ii) Read 3 books of lecture notes
(iii) Read 2 journal articles that my supervisor published

Read, read and read...yeapz, this is PhD all right.

Currently also preparing for my tutoring job that starts next week. Reading the lecture notes and going through the tut questions. Gosh..it's harder than when i first did it...for eg. i only learnt about General Method Of Moments in my honours year, and they;'re learning it in their 2nd year... W O W ...

And oh ya, i found out that i could work from home and looking at what i have to do now, i will most probably work from home most of the times since i only have to do readings at this stage. My desk is much more comfortable at home..haha! I only need to go to Uni on wednesdays since my 2 classes that i'm teaching are on wednesdays. one from 9am to 11am and the other from 11am to 1pm (yea..4 hours at one shot..get it over and done with...). Shall make my consultation hours on that day too! woo hoo! Then Mon, Tues, Thurs and Fri, no uni! yee peez! oooh..i love my timetable (wait...what timetable? lol!)

hmmz....pretty excited for PhD....

and the best news...for once in my whole life...NO EXAMS FOR THIS SEMESTER!!!!!! yea, you have my permission to be jealous....^_^

Feelings of Tears

I am sitting in front of my com, waiting for my housemates to finish their game of PS2 before heading off for dinner with them.

For some reason, I feel like crying. I can literally feel the tears behind my eyes, just waiting for some kind of trigger to ignite the waterfall.

I was at Ikea with some friends helping them with some shopping. Sam fell ill and i accompanied him, sitting on a bench outside the toilet. We managed to have a good talk and it felt so great talking to him. Both of us really poured out our hearts and shared some personal struggles that we had. Really humbled by his trust in me. Really thankful for the opportunity for me to just sit and listen. i am thankful for a listening ear i can find in him.

But also, i observed a pair of sisters that are below the age of 7 standing at the counter opposite from where we were sitting, waiting to enter the playground. I began to think of my brother. I missed the times we played together as small children. I missed the times when we would laugh together. I missed the times when he would bring me out with his friends to play. I missed the hugs he gave me when i was younger.

On the journey back, i was touched by some of the words that calvin, ian and sam said to me. what they said were really random comments. they would probably think it's nothing. But for some reason, every word that they said was magnified and resonated in my heart. I nearly cried. I dont know why. But if I must say a reason, it's because i feel very loved. I am loved. There's no other better feeling than knowing that you are loved.

The tears seemed to have the brakes on. They cant come out...oh wells....

but to all, and Antonius, Apu (^_^), kangaroo (^_^), thank you. =)

A Test

Life has always had its fair share of tests (no, i m not referring to academic examinations). I think i am undergoing a very huge test. A test of my faith and perseverance.A test of my character. A test of my depth.

It's hard but this is what i shall say "Dream on about me giving up! Even if I am unable to bear the pain, i will still rejoice in my suffering! Cause this is my consious act of worship...."

Tears of sorrow will become tears of joy...this is my faith. this is my belief. this is my choice.

Failure

I have tried. I have failed. This failure is so painful that it's been a long time since i felt tears in my eyes....that warm sensation...the salty feeling....

what's the point of impacting lives when your own is in a mess? wake up jason, wake up....

Love and Life

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin!

Respect

For almost 22 years, I always believed that respect should be earned. Oh how often we say "he's such a bad tutor/lecturer/captain/leader/boss/supervisor, he doesnt deserve my respect" or "oh, whave have you done that deserve my respect?!"

As i was reading the bible, i heard a voice ringing in my heart that said "Jason, respect is to be given, not earned." I was stunned. CAuse firstly, it goes against the belief that i have held to so firmly for 22 years and secondly, the conviction welled up and i actually agreed with it, that respect is to be given.

Rom 13:1-2
"Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established.....consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves"

Then how about those who are under us? Yes, you GIVE them respect too!

1 Peter 5:2-3
Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers....NOT LORDING it over those entrusted to you, but being EXAMPLES to the flock."

Get the picture?? ^_^

Amazing Grace

Sometimes i think i m matured, but sometimes, the way i respond to situations and people really exposes my immaturity, which ALWAYS leave me hitting myself on the head and then licking my own wounds. Or maybe i have set too high a standard for myself to follow, but i have had to set this high standard..talk about raising the bar....

I really hate it when in a fit of emotional overwhelm, i lose self control and then set a bad example to those who look up to me and those who are close to me. And each time i say sorry to them, i feel as though i have devalued the word 'sorry'.... each time i say sorry, it seems as though the sorry that i say has no more meaning, a pure commodity...

BUt through it all, i know i am still loved by God and people around me despite my weaknesses and I am so thankful for that! I am indeed loved =)

Thank you all for always understanding me and loving me despite who I am in your sight. It's amazing grace that you've given to me. I cherish this gift =)

Amazing Discovery

I bought a book "The 5 Languages of Love" yesterday and i finished the whole book of 238 pages in less than 30 hours...amazing...and no, the words are not of big print..and no, neither is this the amazing discovery i want to talk about...^_^

Basically, there are 5 love languages (i.e. 5 ways to express and receive love to and from someone): Words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

I had always thought my primary language was words of affirmation. BUt after i did the survery, to my very surprise, words of affirmation was only my secondary love language. Quality time is my PRIMARY love language, and not only that, i actaully had the highest possible score for this particular love language.....the score for my secondary love language of words of affirmation score is quite far behind this primary one...^_^

Coming to reflect back on the past 2 years....i am now convinced that my primary love language is quality time....no wonder i love one-to-one sharings....^_^

on a side note...finished reading 2 books since the beginning of this year...WOW! *gives myself a pat on the back*

Hope VS Fear

If a battle were to occur between fear and hope, who will win?

Dont ask me why i am asking this question, cause i have no idea why too...i fear for something, yet i want to hope for the best. yet, hope is so difficult cause one is so consumed with fear. just imagine fear choking the daylights out of hope, maybe this is why people say hope fades....

fair for me to say that many prefer to fear than hope? why? cause fear is everywhere, hope has to be found, which many a times people find it hard to find.

i am in fear, yet i want to hope. can anyone identify this struggle with me?

Rom 5:5
And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Lonely House

hmmz...ever wondered what's the difference between a home and a house? well, a house is made of bricks (or weatherboard in this instance) while home consists of a house with good relationships living in it.

Joab has left. Ian just left. There's no more home. It's now just me in a big big house. pretty surprised that i actually dont quite like it. feels really weird.

in the past, i would have loved to be home alone, but now...it seems uncomfortable for me.

really looking forward to seeing ALL OF YOU back here in melb! come back quick! ^_^

hmmz...also trying to adjust to tomorrow since i wont see *ahem ahem* an ap* in church tomorrow....^_^