The Esscence of Independence

The question of the esscence of independence struck me one night as I was preparing to go to bed. I was looking out of my large glass window panel, looking at the far away lights. I was recollecting certain incidents that happened in my life over the past 20 years, and for some reason, i began to ask myself "Have I grown to be independent?"

I checked the dictionary. Independence is the state when one is not influenced by someone or something else. It is being free from the influence , guidance and control of others. Pretty impressive definition...sounds pretty ideal as well...but is that what we really want to be? Doesnt the definition sound as though you are fighting against the whole world? Riding against the tide?

Let me share with you how i defined independence...

In school (secondary level and A levels), i defined independence as being able to cope with things well by yourself. I was able to juggle my time between my co-curricular activities and my studies. I managed to do well in both areas. My parents did not have to worry about much things about me. They trusted me a lot and with this trust, i was entrusted with a lot of freedom. The freedom to do what i needed and wanted to do. I never abused it.

I felt independent. I didnt have to depend on anyone for anything (except the financial part..haha!). I was able to solve problems myself. If i were stuck in a problem, all i needed to do was to have a good discussion with the relevant parties and it would be solved. I depended on my own strength. I was confident of the strength I had to see myself through all sorts of storms. There were certainly times when i would cry to my dad during crunch times, but all these served to make me retaliate harder. I didnt want to give in. And i can proudly say that i have never given into anything. This was my independence.

Year 2004 was a life changing moment for me when i decided to return to malaysia to continue my studies. Independence took on a new definition.

Independence was being emotionally independent. Gone were the days when I could cry to my dad and get pampered. Gone were the days when parents could come and solve problems for me. I had to learn to adapt to the new environment myself and face problems myself. Had to solve issues myself, no matter how unpleasant they were. It was a tough period, but i came through it, further strengthening me.

I now look back at my life. I begin to ask...have i become too strong? Have i become too 'independent'? Perhaps I have become too independent that i began to judge what was right and wrong...what i did was right..wat others did were wrong...

I have experienced quite a lot in the past half year. Pleasant and unpleasant moments. Been enlightened (by myself...i think) lately as well. And i am beginning to see independence in a different light.

Independence is when you learn how and when to depend on others. Depending on others and independence sound a little contradictory? I thought so at first..but as i think more about it, it makes more sense to me.

I am currently learning from 'others'. Learning from 'others' is depending on others. When you learn to imitate these good traits these 'others' have, you are learning to be independent. Cause you are learning it for your benefit.

I have been relying on my own strength for too long...weariness is what i feel. It's time i learn to be independent in a new way.

Do I have your support, 'others'?

What is my worth? What is one's worth?

How do you measure your worth? Is there any rule of thumb that defines what your worth is? (if there is, kindly share it with me..thanks..)

And then i will start to think, who determines what you are worth? Why must you be worth something? To whom are you trying to show that you are worth it or worthy of something? Parents? Leaders? Friends? Colleagues?

Many people are trying to prove their worth to others, i believe. I believe that ppl want to prove their worth cause they do not want to be looked down upon. They are striving to fufil that self-actualisation, achieving the highest possible attainment. With this worth, they will be looked upon and praised and admired. Sounds egoistic? I have no idea...

I used to think that my worth is determined by stuff such as exam results and achievements...things tt give public recognition i reckon. I have been excelling academically since secondary school. I have won awards here and there, awards tt give me recognition. I have been chosen to represent my schools in certain events, some prestigious ones as well. I represented my various schools in swimming and bowling and have won medals. I was elected to hold positions in executive committees. I earned praises.

I strived to be the best, if not, to be at least worthy to someone. For example, i am a bowling fanatic. i spent a lot of time (and money..) training and training. coz i wanted to be good at the sport..i wanted to be deemed good enuff by my coach to represent my school in competitions. i wanted to win...i wanted tt glory to soak myself in.

Perhaps i felt insecure. i used these tangible stuff to measure my worth..how silly i was then...

I realised tt if my worth is built on things tt i see and feel...i wonder, what happens to me if these very things tt build my worth are gone one day? Will I lose my worth? Similarly, if my success is built on a successful career, if my career is gone one day..will I become unsuccessful?

Who are we trying to prove our worth to? I was asked by a friend today.."Why are you trying to prove your worth to someone?". She asked a good question. I replied something superficial, but deep down my heart, i had no answer.

Perhaps worthiness has nothing to do with the things that you can do or cannot do. Perhaps worthiness has nothing to do with failing to meet up to people's expectations. Perhaps worthiness has nothing to do with the things that you see and do.

Perhaps worthiness is something that cannot be seen, heard or touched.

Perhaps worthiness cannot be measured or seen at all...cause if i begin to build my worthiness on what is unseen, can you see my worth then?

Question: What is the best expression of love?

saying "I love u"? promises? flowers? gifts? diamonds? gold? hugging?

all the above mentioned can be classified as expressions of love, but i believe there is a better expression of love.

Best expression of love is TIME. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you will never get back. Therefore, time is the greatest gift to someone.

The esscence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves. Giving your time is a sacrifice.

Is there someone who needs your time today?

"The entire law is summed up in a single command:'Love your neighbour as yourself'" (Galatians 5:14)

[Source: Purpose Driven Life (Rick Warren)]

When the Sakura flowers wither and fly again...

currently listening to the above named japanese song by a female singer named Zhong Dao Mei Jia. her voice is captivating. as i close my eyes and immerse myself into her music, images begin to form again.

There's a sakura tree in the middle of a grass pasture. The branches boast of bright and beautiful sakura flowers. There is a lady sitting at a bench just beside this tree. She seems to be waiting for someone.

She patiently sits and waits. The wind howls and blows. Soon, the flowers withered and they were blown away, raining onto the lady. She sits still, occasionally raising her hands to view the flowers tt landed on her hand.

Sakura flowers grow and bloom again.

Unknowingly, a teardrop glides down her cheek. She is weeping. She begins to cry uncontrollably, her shoulders jerking violently. Her face spells of despair.

Why is she crying, you wonder. Flowers withered and blooming signify the passing of a year, a completion of a cycle of seasons. But she was still alone. someone important did not return to her arms.

Do you still remember your roots? Your family, the very place where you grew up and formed your dreams? Is there someone patiently sitting beside tt sakura tree?

When you have gone out exploring and conquered the world, would u remember the green pasture where u once roamed? - JasZz,2006

5th Jan was the day the 7 of us, Rachel, Ailing, Jean, Sarah, Kean yew, Yew shen and I celebrated our 21st and 25th (for KY..haha) bday for year 2006. Celebrating all our bdays early since we will not be able to celebrate each other's bday due to overseas reason..haha! yea, had steamboat dinner at Mentari somewhere near my place..had lots of fun..and FOOD! hehez...eat all u can buffet!!! kz..time to shed those unnecessary and xtra kilos...

Kean Yew & Ailing


Sarah and I


hmmz...wat caught our attention?


Food!


Sarah's failed art of a face..lolx!!!


Bday cake!


wind hassle...


The Gang!


Rachel,Sarah, Me, Jean, Ailing & Shen cutting our 21st bday cake!


WAT??!!! I'm holding a guy's hand!!!


Kean yew cutting his 25th Bday cake..LOLX!


Eyes on cake...


my classic innocent look..HAHA!

Topic: Making a Choice..a Tough one..

ok, i have received a letter from the Econometrics department and an email from the Economics Department. I have been offered to enrol in the pre-honours units offered by each of the department. These pre-honours units are compulsory units I have to do if i were to move onto an Honours degree after completing my Bachelor degree.

3 options: Honours degree in Economics or Econometrics or Economics/Econometrics.

I had initally wanted to pursue the Honours in Economics/Econometrics. Having 2nd thoughts now...Cause I wonder whether economics will really get me far. On the other hand, i love econometrics. It's more like me. And i think i love econometrics more than economics. Besides, I dun really consider myself to be like an economist, esp when i compare myself to those hardcore economists...BUt, economics is fun as well. I have been doing economics for 4 years already!

Sigh sigh..then i gotta think abt job prospects should i pursue the degree specialising in econometrics only...

A decision has to be made...fast. Cause whatever choice i make, i would have to change the enrolment of my units for this coming year. I can hear the clock ticking...tick tock, tick tock

What's it gonna be?

Yes ppl, your eyes are not deceiving you. I have revamped my whole blog..AGAIN! haha! Hope u guys like it, i certainly do! New year, New blog..lolx! Have a nice day!

Topic: The Next Summit
My dear friends, 2006 has arrived. Do you have aspirations, goals and aims that would lift you higher up this year? I believe all of us do. I do. How do you then reach the next summit? There are 3 steps. Let me humbly share them with you.

1. Out of the Ordinary
Basically, this step requires you to live above the norm. Be visionary. Have a vision and be clear on what you intend to achieve. Challenge yourself to the limit. Do not stay in that comfortable box that you have so gotten accustomed to. Step out! And when you step out, do not conform, but TRANSFORM!! Show the people and urself what you have got! You can choose to flow with the river or ride against the tide. It's your choice.

2. Overcome self and opposition
How many times have you decided to do something, only to be mocked at by people or to be doubtful of your capabilities? How many times have u said "I am afraid to try" or "I am afraid of how my lifestyle would change." My friends, if you have set your mind on something, you have gotta be confident of accomplishing it. Life was never meant to be a bed of roses. You will face opposition from yourself and others at times. What do you do then?
Be dedicated, and not discouraged. The dedicated will scale the summit. The discouraged will fall and fade away. It's your choice.

3. Focus on your goal
Cliche it may seem, but friends, you have to focus on your goal. Do we always complain about having so much to do but so little time? Why is it so? Try this, whenever you do something, think over whether the thing you are doing is actually helping you to accomplish your goal. If it's not, then you are wasting time and energy. By focusing on your goal, you are actually being efficient by doing LESS!

So this ends my little sharing..hope it helps! May all of you grow from
"Strength to Strength, and from Glory to Glory".

This sounds cliche but, today is the day when i start to reflect the past year.

For some reason, as I look back this year, I do not really have much to say, except that I have been very blessed this year. I am still doing well academically and socially. Growing spiritually as well. I can begin to experience some changes in me, some changes in thinking, and applying them in my daily life. But I also believe that what i say does not carry weight cause it's me saying me! Shall let u guys be the judge...

Everyone has a new year resolution, whereby there are some goals they wanna achieve. I do not have such resolutions, but i shall list the 'will nots' for this coming year.

I will not be disobedient.
I will not be boastful.
I will not walk alone.
I will not depend on my own strength.
I will not shun myself away from people.
I will not be irresponsible.
I will not be narrow-minded.
I will not be a let-down.
I will not be a quitter.

With these in mind, i believe i can soar.
2006, I welcome you with both my arms...will you welcome me?